This is a hard one. It's been months in the making and each day has seemed longer than the last.
The issue is, it's impossible to be fully where your heart is not. I have tried, OH have I tried- to lessen it, ignore it a little, put it behind me when I can... I try to push away from it because it's hard to wrap my head around. Why not, right? It's human nature to turn from something you don't understand, and I don't. I don't understand it. At all.
And yet, here I am. My body in a completely different place than my heart, and my brain trying to learn how to compensate for the discrepancy. Truth is- so far, it can't. So far, the difference is a big one and my brain isn't capable to bridge the gap.
The nagging has been there forever, though. The one that says "really, kathryn, why does this matter?" or "IS this going to matter in 10 years' time... in ONE year's time?"
Oh, there are other questions, but they just came about recently and are still a bit too raw to share.
One of the bigger ones lately is simply this: Why me? .... Not the why me-I'm going to jump out a window-why me, but the literal one.
The one where I sit and try to wrap my head around why I'm the girl who ended up on that continent, why this burden was shared with me, why I re-learned love & joy in a matter of days, why I'm the girl who loved and left and hurts, and why it Won't. Let. Go.
It won't. It hasn't. I don't want for it to....let go. Some have heard this, and some have not, but I say this without one solitary doubt--- I have never been so dog-tired-completely-used-up in my life. I have also never been so sure, and I have never felt so filled-up-to-the-brim. That's why.
Why I'm here, still in this place where I stand at the kitchen sink and cry because my water is clean and I just wasted that much of it to wash a bowl. Why I walk across campus, irritated because I just waited for a parking spot for 40 minutes, and more thankful than I've ever been that I am able to learn and to be good at something. This place where nothing seems important, and everything does. every. little. thing.
I am ruined. I am ruined and I am dwelling in it. It's okay to sit in this discomfort and let it work on me. God fully intends for me to be uncomfortable at times, and the best word to describe these past two months is uncomfortable. Everything's different, nothing's quite right, nothing is enough- and all of that is as it should be. I can't shake the look in Topistar's eyes when she shared her heartache with me, and I don't want to. Lord, don't let me forget. Don't let me harden to the things that hurt just because they hurt. I can't feel at home. I don't want to feel at home.
My heart is there because I saw a glimpse of what I will feel in Heaven one day, and I won't let it go. I can't feel at home in this world anymore, and I don't want to.
I won't ever be the same. My plans have changed, my life is different, and God is so good.
Life is completely normal and is upside down at the exact same moment.
Mostly because normal isn't okay anymore. I don't want the things that I once wanted. My 10 year plan is out the window and I've never been more okay with the way things are looking.
I had no idea that Uganda would strike me the way it did. I had no clue that I would come home literally aching (not just from pneumonia) or that my heart would hurt so much that I wouldn't be able to talk to my friends and family about things I had experienced. I had no way to know that I would come home ready to hop on a plane and head back. But I did & do know that I am in the arms of a Great Big God.
The deal is, I'm here. God is here. Right here. Where I am right at this very moment. Here. And if He delights in me and gives me the desires of my heart, He will be there. Right there. Where I will be at that very moment. There. With me. Caring for me as I care for them and teaching me daily how better to do so.
I will get there. Wherever "there" is. Until then, I am learning patience. I'm learning that "Here am I. Send me!" isn't a command to be used by an overzealous girl who wants to be in Africa- it's a heart cry from a faithful servant to a Master who was seeking someone to fill a need.
So, Here Am I...until the Master finds a need that I am PERFECT to fill.
I'm turning off the impatience, because He is bigger.
There will be obstacles and I will get discouraged- in the world I may have troubles but great news!.... He has overcome the world. : )
kathryn
"... get to know well your father's God; serve him with a whole heart and eager mind, for God examines every heart and sees through every motive..."-1chron28:9
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