Better Things Were Possible.

This is my prayer...

Not:

"They would grow up grappling with ways of living with what happened. They would try to tell themselves that in terms of geological time it was an insignificant event. Just a blink of the Earth Woman's eye. That Worse Things had happened. That Worse Things kept happening. But they would find no comfort in the thought.

Nothing mattered much. Nothing much mattered. And the less it mattered the less it mattered. It was never important enough. Because Worse Things had happened. In the country that she came from, poised forever between the terror of war and the horror of peace Worse Things kept happening." (The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy)

But instead :

"They would grow up playing and loving despite the things that had happened. They would be taught the significance of their lives and how important they were to an Almighty God and the people who served Him. That any pain they felt would last just the blink of an eye versus the comfort they would feel. That Better Things Can Happen. That Better Things Would Happen. And they would find Hope in the thought.

Their lives mattered. Their pain mattered. And the more it mattered the more it mattered. It was more than important enough. Because Better Things were Possible. In the generation that she came from, poised forever between the love of peace and the joy of reconciliation - Better. Things. Kept. Happening."

That is my prayer. These are my thoughts…

The actions of Joseph Kony are the closest things to a tangible definition of evil that I have been aware of. I realize every day how much bigger the world is than I knew the day before- but he is real. He is scary and horrible and makes my skin crawl. He is big and he is powerful.

But the truth of the matter is- it’s not enough. Hate to break it to him (might love punching him in the face, but hate to break it to him), He. is. not. big. enough. He may be able to flex his muscles. He may be able to cause fear & maybe he goes to bed at night feeling secure in his abilities. They aren’t enough. If he’s out for blood, he’ll get it. If he’s out for power, he’s found it.

If he’s out to break the human spirit – he’ll never make it. I saw the proof in a 12 year old girl.

(It’s funny how that happens… Right when you think you’re doing the showing & the teaching, think again.)

He’ll never break her... He hurt her. He took her family. He tore them apart. He showed her how capable he is of terror. He took her security. He scared her. He showed her what real pain is. But…

He did NOT break her.

She is NOT broken. She is bruised. At night sometimes, she is afraid. During the day, she wonders why things had to be the way they were. When she is afraid- she talks to God about the things that scare her. When she wonders about the events that seem to have shaped her life, she talks to God about what can happen now. She’s 12. I’m 22. She is teaching me even still, from a distance. (of 8,000 miles)

So here’s the deal. I believe this can happen. Sure- there are thousands upon thousands affected. Sure- it’s big. Sure- it’s tough. Sure- it’s scary. BUT…

I b e l i e v e that God is an ever-present help in times of trouble.

I b e l i e v e that the King will answer “Kathryn, I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did to me…

I b e l i e v e that He will say “I tell you the truth, whatever you did NOT do for one of the least of these, you did NOT do for me.”

I b e l i e v e that this is important. I believe that they are important. Healing is important. Healing matters. Peace matters. HOPE matters.

And I believe that the more it matters the more. it. matters.

Find something and DO IT. As a matter of fact, I’ll give you a headstart.

1. Go here: http://www.coburnsayyes.com/take-action

Sign the petition. It takes all of 3 seconds, so pull up an extra tab (you can even leave up facebook) and do it. You don’t have a reason not to, just do it.

2. Go here: http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php

Go ahead. Keep that tab up- do a little backspace action and paste this in there. See what you can do- buy something, share some info, just get informed.

3. Go here: http://www.exileinternational.org/

Need more encouragement? Watch this video. Listen to the music. Listen to the silence. Listen. Make change. Give a song, and sing.

“When we begin living for something bigger than ourselves, we find ourselves.”

Forgiveness can happen. Peace can be found.

God is bigger than Joseph Kony. God is bigger than their pain. It’s real & it matters.

And… The more it matters…

-kathryn

dwelling in the ruins.

"Oh Lord, you know, I have no friend like You. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore..."

This is a hard one. It's been months in the making and each day has seemed longer than the last.

The issue is, it's impossible to be fully where your heart is not. I have tried, OH have I tried- to lessen it, ignore it a little, put it behind me when I can... I try to push away from it because it's hard to wrap my head around. Why not, right? It's human nature to turn from something you don't understand, and I don't. I don't understand it. At all.

And yet, here I am. My body in a completely different place than my heart, and my brain trying to learn how to compensate for the discrepancy. Truth is- so far, it can't. So far, the difference is a big one and my brain isn't capable to bridge the gap.

The nagging has been there forever, though. The one that says "really, kathryn, why does this matter?" or "IS this going to matter in 10 years' time... in ONE year's time?"

Oh, there are other questions, but they just came about recently and are still a bit too raw to share.

One of the bigger ones lately is simply this: Why me? .... Not the why me-I'm going to jump out a window-why me, but the literal one.

The one where I sit and try to wrap my head around why I'm the girl who ended up on that continent, why this burden was shared with me, why I re-learned love & joy in a matter of days, why I'm the girl who loved and left and hurts, and why it Won't. Let. Go.

It won't. It hasn't. I don't want for it to....let go. Some have heard this, and some have not, but I say this without one solitary doubt--- I have never been so dog-tired-completely-used-up in my life. I have also never been so sure, and I have never felt so filled-up-to-the-brim. That's why.

Why I'm here, still in this place where I stand at the kitchen sink and cry because my water is clean and I just wasted that much of it to wash a bowl. Why I walk across campus, irritated because I just waited for a parking spot for 40 minutes, and more thankful than I've ever been that I am able to learn and to be good at something. This place where nothing seems important, and everything does. every. little. thing.

I am ruined. I am ruined and I am dwelling in it. It's okay to sit in this discomfort and let it work on me. God fully intends for me to be uncomfortable at times, and the best word to describe these past two months is uncomfortable. Everything's different, nothing's quite right, nothing is enough- and all of that is as it should be. I can't shake the look in Topistar's eyes when she shared her heartache with me, and I don't want to. Lord, don't let me forget. Don't let me harden to the things that hurt just because they hurt. I can't feel at home. I don't want to feel at home.

My heart is there because I saw a glimpse of what I will feel in Heaven one day, and I won't let it go. I can't feel at home in this world anymore, and I don't want to.

I won't ever be the same. My plans have changed, my life is different, and God is so good.

Life is completely normal and is upside down at the exact same moment.

Mostly because normal isn't okay anymore. I don't want the things that I once wanted. My 10 year plan is out the window and I've never been more okay with the way things are looking.

I had no idea that Uganda would strike me the way it did. I had no clue that I would come home literally aching (not just from pneumonia) or that my heart would hurt so much that I wouldn't be able to talk to my friends and family about things I had experienced. I had no way to know that I would come home ready to hop on a plane and head back. But I did & do know that I am in the arms of a Great Big God.

The deal is, I'm here. God is here. Right here. Where I am right at this very moment. Here. And if He delights in me and gives me the desires of my heart, He will be there. Right there. Where I will be at that very moment. There. With me. Caring for me as I care for them and teaching me daily how better to do so.

I will get there. Wherever "there" is. Until then, I am learning patience. I'm learning that "Here am I. Send me!" isn't a command to be used by an overzealous girl who wants to be in Africa- it's a heart cry from a faithful servant to a Master who was seeking someone to fill a need.

So, Here Am I...until the Master finds a need that I am PERFECT to fill.

I'm turning off the impatience, because He is bigger.

There will be obstacles and I will get discouraged- in the world I may have troubles but great news!.... He has overcome the world. : )

kathryn

"... get to know well your father's God; serve him with a whole heart and eager mind, for God examines every heart and sees through every motive..."-1chron28:9

Uganda 2009

Real religion, the kind that passes muster before

God the Father, is this:

Reach out to the homeless and

loveless in their plight,

and guard against corruption from the godless world.

~James 1:27 (The Message)

Just a few of my favorites from the trip... hope you enjoyed them. : )

-kathryn

09.13.09

And so begins a new blog... if for no other reason than to have a place to rid myself of nagging thoughts, questions, feelings, etc.

Today has been a day of cleaning and thinking... (and football, but let's not talk about it.)

Because I don't have time or energy to address it all, it can be summed up into two statements:

How Deep the Father's Love For Us & "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Hence the new blog name.

goodnight, moon.